Mama Lanette's Guide to Doing Yo Mama Right on Mother's Day

Do you know what Mama Lanette likes to make for Mother’s Day?  Nothing!  I prefer to spend Mother’s Day having food prepared FOR me, and things done FOR me, and things brought TO me, and basically to not lift an itsy bitsy finger or move a teensy weensy toe for anything other than to get up to prepare myself a refreshing beverage.  Therefore, in honor of mothers everywhere, I am forgoing a recipe this week, and instead am providing a handy guide for you to provide to spawn, spouse, and significant other so that they can fully provide you with the maximum enjoyment, relaxation, and comfort that Mother’s Day is meant to be.   Abide by Mama Lanette’s seven step process, and your mama will soon learn to love, and not fear, the holiday known as Mother’s Day.

Mama Lanette’s Guide to Doing Yo Mama Right On Mother’s Day

Step 1:  Let Mama sleep in. Once morning starts waning and afternoon starts creeping in, go ahead and wake Mama up, but wake Mama up with her favorite coffee beverage.   STOP!  Don’t try to make it…that may sound cute, but in retrospect, cuteness is not a flavor.   Ask Daddy to drive down the road and purchase it from Starbucks/Caribou/Dunn Bros., whatever Mama’s favorite java joint is, and then bring it home and give it to her…no cutesy homemade things with subpar taste today…the key is that it should taste as good as it looks and is pleasing to Mama. 

Step 2:  Have Mama’s favorite sweatpants/yoga pants, along with equally comfortable upper body wear, laid out and ready for her to slide into upon emerging from her slumber.   Example:  Mama Lanette’s favorite home outfit consists of a tank top, hoodie, capri length yoga pants or boxer shorts, depending on the weather, and flip-flops.  Hygiene this day should consist of nothing more than a quick face washing and tooth brushing, with hair quickly being thrown up into a clip or hairband.  Have these items at the ready on the sink, along with a stick of deodorant.  I mean, really, we want low maintenance, but there is never a good excuse for B.O.  Continuing on,  Mama does not want to get dressed today.  It is hard work to look good.  She needs a day off.  Low maintenance is the key to a successful Mother’s Day.  Taking us to a brunch/dinner at some fancy pants place where we have to shower, apply makeup, straighten our hair, and squeeze into nylons and uncomfortable footwear is only going to piss us off.

Step 3:  Entertainment:  Does your mama like to watch movies?  Is she a reader?  Is she is gamer?  Is gardening her passion?  Whatever your mama likes to do in home entertainment, give her this day to partake of the hobby to her heart’s delight.   Have her favorite movies already rented from the nearest Redbox and stacked up next the DVD player.  Artfully arrange her magazines next to her comfy lounge area for the day and have her smartphone or iPod fully loaded with her Audible books of choice.  Make sure those game controllers are charged and ready to go…everything at the ready freaks, everything at the ready!   If you have to pay off one of her Ruzzle or Words with Friends pals to play unlimited and instantaneous games with her throughout the day, then do it!  It’s Mama! 

Step 4:  Gifts.   Homemade cards are precious and everlasting.  Kisses and hugs, likewise.  Mamas also like gifts that involve spas, clothing, jewelry, hair care, alcoholic beverages, evenings out with other adults, shooting range passes, etc.   Mama Lanette is fortunate enough to live in an area where there is an Aveda Institute (cheap!), so last year she took Grandma JoyJoy there, and they both got their hair did.  It was fun, and will be a repeat experience this year.   If there are daughters in the family, a mother-daughter pedicure is a lot of fun, but a pedicure is fun even if Mama goes has to go it alone (as is the case if there are only boys in the family because they usually do not want a pedicure, but some do, and if they do, well...what the heck, go for it!  I would suggest a rainbow colors, but there are 7 colors in the rainbow and 10 toes, and so you have to work that out on your own).  And really, visiting a nail spa isn’t even necessary.  Most ladies I know have an entire salon’s worth of supplies at home, and just volunteering to do their nails for them while they sit back and catch up on their magazines or book reading or Facebooking or Words with Friends is worth its weight in gold.  And seriously?  I don’t know any woman who will say no to a gift certificate to anything.  Just giving us free money to shop is exciting enough, even if it is the local Rainbow Foods.  Let’s have a talk about wine now...  Does mama have a particular wine that she likes?  Well then, ha ha ha...get her a case of that shit and let her store it for future use.  Or she can drink it over a few days’ time.  Mama Lanette is not one to judge your mama’s drinking habits.

Step 5:  Mother’s Day Food and Drinks.  This varies by individual, so take a deep dive into your mama’s head and think about her and what she likes to eat and drink.  Remember…it is MOTHER’S DAY.  It is about her, not you. Mama Lanette’s perfect Mother’s Day menu would be an unlimited supply of Barefoot Riesling on ice (cuz she is redneck in that way) and an assortment of tacos.  That’s all, simple.  Does your mama love coffee and pizza?  Then give her coffee and pizza!  BUT give her the best coffee and pizza she could ever ask for!   Is it Diet Coke and chocolate?  Get her a 12 pack of Diet Coke and stick it in a cooler full of ice so it is at its iciest, frostiest, and coldest it can get right before freezing point, and then go to the nearest chocolatier and buy the best chocolate you can afford.  Does she have a favorite restaurant?  Order food from that restaurant to go, and bring it home and let her snack off of it the entire day, OR bring it home for a big dinner with the family.  Just make sure she gets what she wants!

Step 6:  Minions.  Yep.  You read that correctly.  This is key to a successful Mother’s Day.  Clean the house you lazy freaks!  Your mama takes pretty good care of you year round, and I think you can all get off your lazy asses and give her ONE day where her house is clean, the dishes are washed, the toilet paper roll is filled, and dinner is prepared or ordered out (we don’t care which as long as we don’t have to get dressed and put makeup on), and the dog crap is picked up in the yard.  One day…c’mon…it’s yo MAMA….you can do it!   

Step 7:  Bedtime.  The sign of a truly successful Mother’s Day is watching Mama suddenly stand, lazily stretch and yawn, and head off to bed  a good hour or two ahead of norm without having to clean, cook, or prepare for the next day…just saying…maybe y’all could clean up after dinner, take your baths, and make your own lunches (for the next day) this one evening?  And if Daddy happens to suddenly stretch, yawn, and head upstairs after her, well…it’s Mother’s Day (he’s probably tired from all the work he did running for her all day to keep her happy)   ;-)